So, off to a late start this morning. I hate late starts. I tend to focus more on trying to catch up than just doing what I need to do. Ugh.
I have MCAT studying to do. And quite a bit of it. I actually miss studying for the MCAT as much as I used to over the summer. With school and everything going on, studying for this test has definitely decreased. But, it is about balance, right? And I keep telling myself that it is ok - because it is not like I have to learn all the material from scratch - it is refreshing what I know and doing practice problems. I have the BEST tutor and I am Blessed to have him. I don't know how I will do on the test when I take it in January - but one thing is for sure - I will have done my absolute very best. I truly believe I have the skills, will, brains, and determination to become a doctor. I hope that God has it in His will to allow me to achieve my dream and to be able to serve others in their healing, making accurate diagnoses, having the best bedside manner to my patients, and to be an inspiration to others.
I woke up with so much nervousness this morning. It is the kind of nervous that you can't shake off. It is similar to sitting on a rollercoaster waiting for it to take that 90 degree plunge and your stomach is in your chest.
I do not think about being nervous. I mean, I do not wake up and immediately start focusing on my recent past or my current situation...it comes over me. And that is a very odd feeling. What my mind thinks about ("ok, you have to study for MCAT, tutor session is tomorrow, you have 2 papers and a presentation due next week, call the groomer for the dog etc etc), my body is just doing it's own thing - a nervous stomach, constant worry, feeling scared, feeling like I did something wrong - and more worry. It is horrible. Worrying and stress is SO bad for the body - over time, the diseases your body can develop can be life threatening. I also feel that the more you think about being scared or nervous or a stomach ache that I think over time it can mess with the chemical balances in your body resulting in a imbalance of serotonin etc - which is a key neurotransmitter for that feeling of well-being. Additionally, if you don't fight at every instance of the oncoming of those feelings, I also think one's body can become conditioned to feel that way on a regular basis. If I were to feel scared and nervous on mornings that are cloudy and rainy, well I believe that if I do not fight that feeling off, then over a long period of time, I feel that every time I wake up to a cloudy, rainy day, I will feel scared and nervous - regardless of what I am doing or how happy I am - because I have conditioned my body to be that way. So, that is why I fight. I fight because I have people who depend on me, because I things I want to accomplish, because I refuse to be a product of constant fear, and I fight because I have a daughter that I would do anything for.
It is not easy - in fact it is much easier said than done. But I try. Like my dear Professor, Dr. Perlin, said to me: never, ever, ever give up.
As I sit here writing this, I feel like I have a sour grapefruit in my stomach. I stare at Graciela's pictures that are in my room...and I look at my sleeping beauty, and I say to myself that I am doing all of this for her. That I can do this for her. I can move on for her. One of the facilitators at Hygeia once said at a meeting "Don't die with her...Live for her" - a phrase I have repeated to myself over and over again - even during the darkest of times. Whatever these negative things are that plague me - the nerves, feeling scared, stomach aches, hesitation, fear....I like to think of them as my competition...that I have to overcome and beat them like I am running a race - so that I can win. So, that is what I try and do. I envision I am running on a track (I wish I could run with this stupid ankle of mine, but I digress...) and on this track to my right is fear, and to my left is evil, and boy does it make me want to run like heck to leave them behind and come out on top.
And I hope I will.
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