I haven't written in a few days. I have been overwhelmed with school work and getting back into the MCAT groove.
I also started CrossFit. O-M-G. It is so awesome - and so unbelievably hard. And it is hard because I am still quite out of shape from the pregnancy, but also because I have this stupid nerve damage in my joints and it is severely limiting. So, I do what I can. I love it though. But it is so hard and so painful I want to cry. And it, literally, kicks my ass. And somehow I think it is great. If you have never heard of it before - look it up. There is no description I can say that will justify its intensity.

Tomorrow is October 1. Five months ago Mugsy died in my arms. I miss my moogey. And I so dearly miss my Huskey, too. I was just thinking about him. And that night in December.

And I still can't shake the fact that it will be almost 1 year for Graciela. It just can't be. Time has stood still for me. I cannot say that enough...if someone told me it was March I would believe it. I miss my baby. Everything is so hard. But one of the hardest things is leaving class, walking out to my car, knowing that I should be going home to cuddle my baby, and rock her and tell her stories and play with her.

But I can't do any of that. That emptiness  - and the longing - kills me. Everytime I leave school I think about that very thought...how I should be going home to her, and she is not there.

This Sunday Roberto and I will be attending the Hygeia Foundation's Walk to Remember. I am very much looking forward to it. I guess I could almost say I am "excited" - though, it is odd to be excited for such a thing I guess. I will be presenting a poem at the gathering, too.

We bought this beautiful Uppa Baby Stroller last year in Maya Yellow - special order - top of the line...I think about the stroller all the time. How it is in the basement, wrapped in a black trashbag...sitting there. Collecting dust instead of memories.

This month is my 2 year wedding anniversary. I love my husband. It will be very bittersweet.

I am going to attempt to do some homework now. My joints are hurting and I am tired - but restless instead of sleepy.

I am trying not to think about certain things...but there are there. They are always there. I can feel the blackness just over me.



"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"