Sleep...Finally

I finally slept through the night last night. It is the first time in a while. I felt myself starting to wake up at around 11-ish - but I just kept my eyes closed hoping I would fall back asleep. It is amazing how different one feels when you sleep through most of the night.

I still have so much homework to do. And I have to finish it before class this afternoon. ugh.

I cried so much last night. I was home alone and I just cried and cried. The whole morning of Dec. 30th kept playing in my head like a re-run of a movie. I have so much anger still. My daughter is dead because of those people - and someone needs to be held accountable for their actions. I can't take the fact that they did what they did and there has been no consequences for them. It is not right on so many different levels. How can they live with themselves? How can they work in that department every day after my loss - KNOWING that their actions took the life of my child...and destroyed mine? Sad thing is - they don't think about it. They just kept going on with their lives and I cannot understand it. I have those nurses names and faces burned into my head - along with hopes of seeing them again someday. Sending me home because they were "too busy". I was begging  - crying - pleading with them. I kept telling them something did not feel right. And something wasn't right. And Graciela died. And a part of me did, too.

I cannot express what it is like to live life now. All of the constant memories, constant triggers, constant pain. I also find myself thinking in terms of how I used to be. For example, I would think "before I lost Graciela, did I enjoy going out for long rides?" - it is like, you don't remember who you were, what you liked and disliked, or even what made you happy.

I made a harsh realization the other day. I was grocery shopping at Whole Foods. One of the few times I have gone out by myself. I should have been doing homework because now I am so backlogged, but I couldn't look at it. I had to get out. Anyway, while I was shopping, I wasn't satisfied with anything I put in my cart. I kept thinking "no, this isn't what I need", "no, this isn't what I am looking for"...I saw lots of people with stuff in their cart, and I couldn't seem to choose what to put in mine. I would put in a box of cereal, then take it out and put it back. I would scope out other people's cart to see what they were getting. But I felt like I was never satisfied. I saw fruit, it looked really good, but that wasn't what I wanted either. I spent 15 minutes staring at Bok Choy deciding if I wanted it or not. I mean, really? It wasn't what I was looking for. Then, it hit me. It hit me so hard I almost started crying right in the aisle of the store.
I was looking for Graciela. I wanted my baby.
That is why nothing felt right...I discovered I wasn't looking for what groceries to buy. I was searching for her.
Unless you have lost a child, you truly cannot know this feeling. It is very weird. I felt like I had to find her, so I could save her. It was very sad. Extremely sad. And it was compounded by the fact that there were families and babies and moms and kids and pregnant women everywhere. How could the universe be any more cruel? Oh, and the sushi guy had said to me once before as I was browsing through his creations..."oh do you like sushi?", "well, i just eat the veggie sushi. My husband likes sushi a lot and I was looking for him." Sushi guy: "oh that's nice...my wife, she loves sushi! But, she can't eat it right now. She is eight months pregnant."
Nice.
Glad I had to know that fact. And stuff like this happens all the time with me. All the time. Ask my husband, he has seen it happen to me...and you wonder what are the odds of me being in that particular moment at that particular time. Cruel.
I think one of the worst feelings though is feeling like an empty shell. Like I will never be whole again. Something was ripped away from me in the worst ways of all. And it is a constant search to fill that void - that emptiness. And the sad part is it will never be filled entirely again. It is the truth.
My heart physically hurts - my whole body hurts over the loss of my daughter. One of the doctors I see, whom I respect greatly, said that he thinks my body is mourning the loss of my daughter separately from how my mind is grieving, and that is one of the reasons I have such unbearable pain in my joints. The other reason, is from nerve damage from all of the fluid I retained while pregnant. Almost 60lbs of fluid.
I miss you Graciela. My arms ache to hold you. I want kiss your cheeks, and cuddle with you. I want to put little bows in your hair.
I never held my daughter's hand, or even got to see her little feet. I was in so much pain I couldn't think.
So, when your own kid makes you nuts from whining, or someone ticks you off because of their driving, or your hair isn't behaving today, or your co-worker is starting gossip again...

Remember - it could be worse.

You could be me.