I have been meaning to start a blog for quite sometime now. I honestly do not think anyone will read it - but perhaps no one needs to. Maybe for the simple fact that it exists is ok.

My baby, Graciela AnnaMaria Arango, died inside of me in the early morning hours of December 30, 2010. Hence the name of this blog. She died because medical "professionals" did not do their job.

Life has completely changed for me. And my hope is that this blog will facilitate in me finding an outlet for my anger, my rants, my complaints, as well as posting new joys, hopes and aspirations. I also hope that if someone reads my blog, perhaps they can find understanding and meaning to things that relate to them.

I have no mind-blowing philosophies on life. No amazing phrase that can make life all better. What I have is heartache, and anger, and a lot of student loans...but I also have love and hope. And for that, I am grateful.

As I write this, I look down at my hands from time to time. Graciela had my hands. She also had my eyes and long eyelashes. The rest of her belonged to her handsome daddy. Her daddy - a man I am so proud to call my husband.

I have obscenely high standards in life - anyone who knows me well can vouch for that. However, I am fair, and I would never expect anyone to do anything that I myself have not done. With that being said, though, I have been known to move mountains...

I believe that we, as all living creatures, deserve the right to breathe, to live, to love and to be free. Free from torture, pain, slaughter, abuse, and enslavement. I also believe in intellectual freedom - which, in my definition, I can strongly believe in something, and perhaps my neighbor believes in the total opposite, but I can still be friends with that person because I believe our minds have the right to choose. I think if people could adapt, to some extent, this way of thinking, there would be a lot less hatred in this world. Sounds trite - but does not mean it isn't true.

I am currently very overwhelmed. I hope that in writing my thoughts, they could perhaps sort out on their own - or at least give me the opportunity to see as clear as I possibly can.

I should be doing homework. I have so much of it. In a way I wish I wasn't going to a state school for my masters - and there is a lot of reasons why I say that. More on that another time.

Right now I am thinking that it is getting late and I am hungry but know I should not eat. I didn't eat that much today as my lunch got locked in the room that has the refrigerator. Fun times.

I have a pet peeve though - hypocrites. I work near a woman at this very new part time position I have just taken on - who is a fairly "important" person there. She has published research on gender inequalities, and the perception of women in the workplace in regards to anger management. Yet this woman will not even dare to acknowledge my existence as she walking by me a dozen times, simply because I am a lowly "temp". No one on this planet has experienced the pain and suffering I have endured. And not once have I walked around feeling entitled to an easier life because of my tragedies. But something about this woman irks me. So much so that I am writing about her. I am presuming she is a few years older than me - and I hope I have the opportunity to illustrate to her, in ways she would only understand, that, as one of my friends likes to say, while it is nice to be important, it is also important to be nice.

Anyway, I think I will end here. I hope I sleep tonight. I have not slept and I go on for 13 to 15 hour days every day easy. I do now know what I run on. I have a hard time eating, and a hard time sleeping. Maybe it is nervous energy. Maybe I run on worrying - that would make sense.

So, to end here, my prayers for tonight, in brief, is that all living creatures have someplace safe and warm to sleep tonight, and that for tomorrow, peace and justice grow perpetually stronger.

~J