It has been a very stressful few days. So much going on - and I am just trying to focus on the positives. I worry a lot now - I mean - I always was a worrier - but now I am like on overdrive with worrying. I am really trying to do things right and recently I had to let something go because I was overwhelmed. Very overwhelmed. I originally took on a particular project with good intentions - but I can't complete it now and had to let it go. I feel so bad. It does not make me look good that I had to let it go - but I physically (and mentally) cannot do everything with the constraints that are on me. I am committed to something that I have to finish in a much sooner time frame that I was originally planning on. So, something had to give in order to fulfill that task. Hopefully it was the right decision and hopefully there won't be any repercussions. It is what it is - I have to finish one thing now, and I cannot begin another until that is complete. You can tell that this is really bothering me and I need a lot of justification that I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing - but it is not like me to start something and not finish. So it really bothers me. I hope certain people can see that my hands are tied here and not hold it against me because I would really like to go back to it once things settle on my end. See, I told you I worry too much.

I have class tonight. UGH! I hate going away from home "late" at night - to me 7:30 - 9:30 at night is considered late. When it is dark out I just want to be home. And I my class was originally at 5:30 but it was decided to change the entire class time without asking the students what is best for them as far as rescheduling - I mean...why would they ask us - we are only paying for the course...

I miss spending time with my husband. I hardly ever see him anymore and I miss him so much.

This Sunday is my mom's birthday. I want it to be as special as it can. It will be so hard for me - Graciela should be sitting on her Nana's lap as we sing Happy Birthday. And that won't happen. My baby... :(

Anyway, thought about my daughter a lot today. I miss her so much. I would love to just hug her right now. I always wonder what she would look like. I have seen these ads Facebook that allow you to upload a picture of yourself and of your husband to see what your children would look like. I cannot tell you how many times I have come close to doing that. Just to see what Graciela might look like. So far, I can't bring myself to do it.

A lot of weird stuff happened today at work...I don't understand people - I try to, but it doesn't help.

It is hard to think of life as normal now. It is sort of like ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room. It is not normal. It will never be normal. I see people pushing their babies in strollers. I see a lot of pregnant women. I long to hold my baby everyday. To rock her in her glider. To read to her. To sing her to sleep. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. And this didn't "happen for a reason". It happened because people did not do what they were supposed to do.

I really miss my daughter. And I really can't stand doctors right now. I am not the kind of person to generalize people as I hate when it is done to me - but just so many errors in everything.

And it cost a life - and it ruined my own.